The disagreement between Ezekiel Ogolla and his wife Wanjiku began after a family gathering, when a conversation with his mother exposed the different values they had each brought into their marriage.
Wanjiku had responded honestly when asked about having children, explaining that they had agreed to wait until they were financially stable. Ezekiel, however, felt she should have handled the conversation more delicately because, in his family, openly contradicting elders is considered disrespectful.
What appeared to be a minor misunderstanding soon revealed a much deeper issue: the couple had been raised with different ideas about respect, family roles and communication.
“This wasn’t really about grandchildren, nor was it about respect either. It was about two people discovering that love had brought together not just two hearts, but two family histories,” explains Polly Menja, a counsellor and relationship expert.
Polly explains that many couples enter marriage believing that the biggest challenge will be learning each other’s personalities, but few realise they are also inheriting decades of family traditions, beliefs and expectations that quietly shape daily life.
How should a wife greet elders? Who makes financial decisions? Should both spouses contribute equally? How soon should children arrive? Where should Christmas be celebrated, and how often should parents visit? Who sacrifices a career when children come?
The expert says none of these questions begins in the marriage. Most, she says, are inherited long before the wedding. Relationship counsellors often say couples don’t just marry each other; rather, they marry each other’s stories—beautiful stories, but also full of complications.
For Ezekiel, respect had always meant protecting family traditions, while for Wanjiku, respect meant honesty, mutual understanding and the freedom to ask questions.
“Neither was wrong and neither was trying to hurt the other; they were simply carrying different definitions of what a healthy family looked like,” says Geoffrey Kajogu, a psychologist.
He says this is becoming increasingly common as younger generations grow up in homes, schools and workplaces that encourage dialogue, equality and individual choice, while many parents were raised to value hierarchy, obedience and clearly defined family roles.
The collision, he explains, is often quiet before it becomes loud. It begins with small moments—a daughter-in-law is expected to serve everyone before sitting down to eat, yet she comes from a home where meals were shared as equals.
“A husband assumes major financial decisions rest with him because that is what he watched his father do, while his wife has always believed money should be discussed openly,” explains the expert.
Polly adds that a couple delays having children to establish their careers, but their families see the decision as unnecessary defiance. “No one intends to start a conflict,” she says, adding, “yet everyone believes they are defending something important.”
Wanjiku remembers one particular Christmas. As relatives gathered around the dining table, an elderly aunt smiled warmly at her before saying, “Our daughters-in-law don’t usually do things that way.” The words sounded harmless. However, they lingered. She pauses to take in the words as if they were spoken yesterday: “Our daughters-in-law, not our daughter.”
“Today, years after the wedding, I still feel like someone trying to earn permanent membership into a family that I had legally joined,” she reminisces.
“For some couples, that feeling runs even deeper when cultural or tribal differences enter the picture in the form of a name, a language, the food on the table, the customs observed during weddings and funerals—even the way affection is expressed can become a reminder that one partner grew up inside a different world,” says Polly.
She says sometimes acceptance may come easily, but sometimes it may take even years, and many couples quietly admit that while falling in love was effortless, earning acceptance from extended family required patience they never imagined. The most painful part, she says, is that rejection is rarely announced loudly. It comes in the form of subtle comments, comparisons, expectations, jokes that everyone else laughs at and questions that are asked often enough to feel like judgement.
Kajogu says perhaps the hardest conversations are not the ones couples have with their parents. They are the ones they have with each other after everyone has gone home. He gives an example: “That’s not how I was raised.” Few sentences carry more emotional weight, he says.
“Hidden inside those six words are childhood memories, family loyalties, cultural identity and the deep desire to honour the people who shaped us,” says the expert, adding, “The danger comes when every disagreement becomes a contest between ‘your family’s way’ and ‘my family’s way’.”
He further says healthy marriages eventually discover a different question—not, “Whose family is right?” but, “What kind of family are we choosing to become?” “That shift is subtle, yet it changes everything, because every successful marriage reaches a moment when love must stop simply preserving inherited values and begin intentionally creating new ones,” he says.
Polly explains that it is in that space, between inheritance and intention, that many modern relationships are being tested and perhaps quietly strengthened.
The breakthrough came unexpectedly, not after another argument or after a difficult visit to either family. It happened one quiet evening as Ezekiel and Wanjiku sat on their balcony, each holding a cup of tea. For the first time since their wedding, they stopped defending where they had come from and started talking about where they wanted to go.
“I’ve been trying so hard not to disappoint my parents,” Ezekiel admitted.
Wanjiku nodded: “And I’ve been trying so hard not to lose myself.”
Neither statement was a complaint or an accusation. They were simply telling the truth.
Marriage counsellors say this is often the turning point in relationships, when couples begin to realise that conflict is rarely about the issue on the surface. A disagreement over money may actually be about security. An argument over household roles may be rooted in childhood experiences. Tension around in-laws often reflects a deeper longing to feel accepted, respected and understood.
“The challenge is not that couples come from different families; rather, it is assuming that love automatically translates those family values into one shared language,” says Catherine Mugendi, a counsellor and family coach.
She explains the language of love has to be created slowly, patiently, together and though the conversations may be uncomfortable, they are necessary.