The trick to raising confident children

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The trick to raising confident children
A family having a conversation on the sofa. (Courtesy/GettyImages)

Faith Barongo is a mother to two children, a son aged 16 and a daughter 13.

She says she learnt too late that she “needed to consult widely” while parenting the two during their formal years so they could grow into independent children. 

“When Louise (son) was five years old, I became overprotective, and did everything for him, to a point of thinking for him. I was torn between wanting to protect him, as I struggled to ‘tame’ his then three-year-old sister who was giving me nightmares,” says Faith.

She thought at the time, she was on a good trajectory in the parenting journey – protecting her little ones instead of giving them time and space to explore and learn, even if it meant going beyond the norms. 

Now, her children tend to depend so much on her, and exhibit a lack of confidence, she laments. She says, she now finds herself spending so much time and investing in coaching to rectify mistakes she made during their formative years. 

Child psychologists say many parents make the mistake of giving their children limitless protection because parental instincts are to protect their little ones, instead of allowing them the freedom to explore and learn independently. 

However, the experts say, that raising independent children is one of the most rewarding yet challenging aspects of parenting.

Faith says one of the flaws she is trying to fix is to help Louise and Khai develop the traits of being kind and thoughtful, to make good decisions, and to be ready to take on the opportunities and challenges that will confront them at every stage of their lives. 

“I have found out that I am not able to protect them always through the many opportunities and challenges that will confront them because there will be plenty and unexpected, occasionally joyful ones, but at other times heartbreaking ones,” she says. 

Unlike Faith, John and Chemutai Cheruiyot were particular when their two daughters, now 15 and 18, were growing up. 

“Of course, protecting Cherono and Nemye was our key focus, but we were careful not to overprotect them, we gave them space as they grew up to do things independently because we knew they had a mind of their own and all they needed was guidance,” says John. 

The couple says at age eight and eleven years respectively, they exhibited signs of independence and had developed a mind of their own. 

“They made friends, chose paths to walk, and were out creating a world for themselves beyond the confines of the home life we built for them and were doing well on a grand life adventure, just as we wanted them to be, not to be so dependent on us,” says Chemutai. 

The Cheruiyots recall feeling so fulfilled in parenting their girls to be independent when they recently watched their ‘fiercely’ independent daughter burst out of the door to catch transport back to the university in Nairobi for her second semester. 

Cherono, all grown up now, they say, made them feel proud of their parenting journey, as she exhibits confidence of someone who has places to go and people to see. 

Faith says she regrets those instances of overprotection instead of offering guidance.

“I wish I had heeded to those maternal instincts when I felt I needed to stand firm when I protected them from vulnerability, as they would have learnt to be independent and in control of their situations like being bullied instead of running to me,” says the mother of two. 

From lessons leant along the journey of parenting Cherono and Nemye, John and Chemutai say parents should “focus on giving children the wings they need to fly on their own because the thing about wings is that even when the wings carry our brave and independent children away from us to new adventures, they also carry them home again.” 

Faith says that after enrolling Louise and Khai in coaching classes, she has seen her children grow in confidence (they have become assertive), and have become fairly independent.

Remember, while training your children in life skills, always remember to lead by example – be polite during family meals to forge respectful communication.

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