Strict or liberal: How to handle parenting in a changing world

Kelvin Mutuoma remembers screaming at his parents when he was 17. He had violated his curfew, and they were not happy. For this and being disrespectful, he was promptly grounded.

Twenty-seven years later, an accomplished engineer and father to two daughters and a son, all teenagers, Kelvin has nothing but respect and love for his parents for their parenting.

“I am grateful that their strict parenting shaped my character and behaviour. When I look back, it is with awe and admiration for their role in shaping who I am today and giving me tools and lessons that I use in parenting their grandchildren,” says Kelvin.

Family counsellor Dr. Geoffrey Nduati says strict parenting is an approach to raising children, often characterized by strict rules, strong discipline, and expectations of obedience from children.

Usually, he says, parents who adopt this style set clear boundaries, impose strict regulations, and expect obedience without much explanation. Strong authority and control are the main characteristics of this parenting style.

“Being strict or not while parenting is a question that might trigger the deepest fear in every parent, especially if their children are Gen Zs, who expect a parent to be ‘cool’ in their parenting styles,” says the expert.

Being strict, he says, does not mean one cannot be a cool parent as long as parents can talk about anything and everything with their children while maintaining a strong say in decisions relating to their welfare.

He explains that while strict parenting can be too general, being strict or not depends on the context.

Kelvin says he later learned that his parents’ strictness influenced his attitude, behaviour, manners, and education.

“When it came to having a perfect person to learn and share with, my parents were the coolest couple and my buddies, and this helped me personally to parent my children,” says the engineer.

Being authoritative, says Dr. Nduati, means that your child will try to rebel at one time or another. The trick, he says, is maintaining a good balance.

The family counsellor explains that a parenting style is based on a child’s attitude. Some children are calm and composed and tend to listen and follow what parents say; others may be naturally restless and look forward to experiencing things before someone warns them.

“The first case will need you to have a say, while the second will need you to have a good hold on them,” says the doctor.

He adds that when a parent is too strict about everything, it looks as if you are training them to act by your choices and make choices on your terms. He says parents should learn how to find the right balance in guiding children in making choices, allowing them to make their own decisions.

This will give children space to build their creativity, dreams, and hopes and not feel like their path has already been laid.

Grateful for Strict Mother

Liz Njeri Chege, who turned 21 this May, puts the issue of being strict or not into perspective.

"Looking back at my teenage years, I am grateful to my mother (a single mother) for stamping her feet, despite my rebellious nature," she says.

She couldn’t go to friends’ houses for sleepovers or hang out with them, although they were allowed to come over. "I didn’t know if this was an extreme form of protection or control, and it took a very long time to repair the relationship with my mum," she says.

Now, she says, she has no doubt what kind of mother she wants to be for her children. She will set expectations, encourage them to become their own person, and focus on avoiding battles.

Today, Njeri is full of appreciation, respect, and love for her mother. "I am glad I had curfews and had to ask permission for things. I have learned to respect my mother for the decisions she made, which are impacting my adult life. I also have learned to accept the consequences of my actions and the meaning of 'work hard, play hard.'"

How to Go About Strict Parenting

Strict and consistent rules help children understand boundaries and develop discipline in their behaviour.

Strict parenting creates a structured and orderly environment for children. They know what is expected of them and understand the consequences of breaking the rules.

In some cases, strict parenting can be associated with high academic success. Children who grow up in an environment full of discipline and high expectations often have a strong internal motivation to achieve good academic results.

However, there is a need for more flexibility in dealing with unique situations. The inability to adapt rules and approaches in different contexts can hinder the development of children's creativity and adaptability.

Strong power and control can discourage children from sharing their thoughts, feelings, and problems. Lack of open communication can hinder the development of social skills in children.

Strict parents may also lack the necessary emotional support for their children. Children may feel they are not heard, not understood, or deprived of the freedom to express their emotions.

Too much control and supervision in strict parenting can hinder a child's development of independence. They may miss opportunities to take initiative, take responsibility, and develop decision-making skills.