Ring or not, ladies, follow him to shags!

Sometimes, love is not materialistic and December gives you an opportunity to love your partner in a more natural setting away from the distraction of technology and city buzz.

Ensure you accompany him to his shags this year even if he has not put a ring on it. You are already eating him in his flat in Nairobi, and thus accompanying him to his village is not going to be a big deal.

Let him take you for walks along the village paths where he serenaded his village ex, Apondi, with P. Diddy’s ‘I’ll be Missing You’ not knowing it was a song he could only dedicate to the dead. Now, he knows better. If you have always wanted to own a slow cooker, then this is your chance to learn some improvisation skills.

Here in the village, folks have learned how to cook at a low and steady temperature using firewood. There is no need for a candle-lit dinner as food is usually served in minimal lighting.

Those opportunities you have always yearned for will all be fulfilled effortlessly in this natural setting. He will even open the door for you, not because he knows a thing or two about male chivalry, but because the door is faulty.

Put your ingenuity to use as you try sleeping in his rickety bed at night without raising suspicion from the elderly couples. You want his family to know you for everything else apart from your skills in bed. In between, you can accompany him to the market and introduce yourself to his village mates.

From these conversations, you will learn his childhood nicknames and where Apondi is married. Most importantly, ensure you showcase just how lazy you are at cooking ugali on a firewood stove or squatting and aiming well in the family’s pit latrine.

Such slobby acts from a potential wife may be just what he needs to upgrade the family kitchen and washroom.

Remember, women who have tried to prove they are wife material by cooking, fetching firewood, and cleaning have ended up herding goats as well. Be wise. Scrutinise the heads of youngsters in his village just to be sure he did not partake in random seed dispersal during his youth.