Love, lies, and hidden lives: When the 'other woman' is a man

Cheating is the ultimate deal breaker in most relationships. It is often the biggest betrayal to cheat on someone you’ve vowed to cherish, love, and hold until Kingdom comes. Cheating disrupts relationships, breaks marriages, and makes innocent children suffer because of their parents emotional disability. In extreme cases, people even kill their spouses and even kids.

We’ve read and witnessed infidelity cases and it’s no longer an issue when one finds out that their partner has another lover out there with whom they get intimate.

Now, picture a scenario where the other person dating, or getting intimate with your person, is of the same gender. It’s more confusing and heartbreaking when he cheats with a man than when he does with a woman. Kwanza if he’s ‘the woman’ in the affair!

It’s no longer why he is cheating. It’s with whom he’s cheating with. The shocking fact that one’s husband or boyfriend is ‘the woman’ in some secret relationship somewhere is not easy to swallow.

I don’t know what comes into a woman’s mind when they find out this, that the loves of their life also plays for the other team.

The biggest challenge is when they have children. What will happen when these children find out? Sexual orientation among married couples has become something one can never be sure of, nowadays, because there are those people who hide their sexuality in marriage. They get married and marry for society and family but live other lives that their people know nothing about. Men marry women in the church. For the church and the in-laws. But they belong to another group of people whom no one knows about.

The third most asked question on Google about husbands is, ‘Is my husband gay?’. I’ve been told of a man who ‘loved’ his woman so much that within just six months of dating, he threw a very big wedding with his supposed dream girl and even flew her out of the country for the honeymoon.

A month into the marriage and the poor girl discovers that her lawfully wedded husband is of a different sexual orientation. Saddest surprise for her and her family.

I have never understood why someone would hide in a straight life when they very well know they’re not straight.

We’ve read about, and heard of a few open relationships/marriage cases where the partners know of such arrangements and have actually okayed them. Betrayal is when and where one is unaware of this, and only finds out when they suspect and spy.

Young people of this generation are coming out of the closet early enough which helps counter any confusion. To some, coming out means stigma and they’d rather hide in ‘normal’ marriages because their communities and families expect them to marry and sire children for the continuation of the family. The map for our lives has already been drawn by society. Go to school. Get a job. Marry. Have kids. And live happily ever after.

I followed a story on why a man would cheat with another man instead of a woman, and most of them argued that men don’t have unrealistic demands.

He wouldn’t struggle to make another man happy, yet he’d get what he wants and desires, what his woman doesn’t give him. Such queer situationships, they argue, are uncomplicated. No flowers, no chocolates, no expensive dinner dates. Just lube and voila! Overflowing happiness.

This is not common, but believe it or not, it’s happening. You’ll never guess or find out because it just looks like two guys spending time together. Watching football, going to the gym, and talking masculine staff.

Families get shocked that their otherwise known to be straight and church-going children joined a different team long ago. Mostly when in campus.

They still attend church though. With activism all over the place, it’s getting deep and closer to home. But everything comes out eventually.

For those who enter into agreements with people from different sexual orientation knowingly, it’s their decision and we applaud them for ‘loving differently’.

Those who hide behind marriages and relationships with innocent people need to be bold and brave enough to come out of the closet and get the right people for yourselves.