Why don't couples look happy anymore?

Hi Chris,

I know lots of married couples who aren’t happy together. They all seemed so in love, so what’s going wrong with marriage nowadays?

Unhappy

Chris says,

Hi, Unhappy!

In the past, marriage was all about having a roof over your head, making a living, children, land, inheritance, etc. No one expected to be happy as well! But now we do.

So what does that take? It starts with feeling comfortable being single. Because even nowadays, being single can feel increasingly awkward as you get older. You feel like a freak on your own. Finding sex is hard. It’s all pretty easy in your 20s, but after that, lots of people marry just to avoid being alone. Not a good idea.

When you are getting on well with a boyfriend, you expect that to continue when you marry. But marriage instantly moves your relationship on to somewhere very different: New responsibilities, expectations, and children. Getting on well is not enough.

You also have to fall in love with the right person. Which means understanding your personality, and how your personality works out with theirs.

And that isn’t easy. Because when dating couples fall out, they tend to blame each other and ignore their faults. When you’re single it’s easy to believe you are a nice person and to neglect your issues.

We are all a little bit crazy. Controlling perhaps? Insecure? A bit weird about sex? Bad at explaining our feelings? Issues like that cause a lot of problems, so couples should only marry if they can cope with each other’s oddities.

So being in love with someone isn’t enough. You also need to understand your faults well. And only marry someone who can cope with them. And you with theirs.

All the best,

Chris