What your child learns when you're not teaching

 [The laughter came first at a conference venue, where delegates shared stories over cups of tea before the afternoon session.

During one of those conversations, I met an engineer whose work extends beyond designing structures.

He also writes children's guidebooks, driven by his belief that nations are shaped by the values instilled in children.

"Children are always watching us," he said. "If we don't take time to listen to them, guide them and model the values we hope to see in them, we will eventually deal with the consequences, not as children, but as adults."

His words brought to mind countless moments that reveal just how closely children imitate the adults around them.

After one church service, a young boy amused everyone by confidently mimicking an argument he had witnessed at home, copying the tone, expressions and gestures perfectly. When asked where he had learned those words, he innocently replied: "Daddy says them."

The laughter quickly faded.

The child had done nothing wrong. He was simply repeating what had become normal in his environment.

Experts say children absorb not only the lessons adults intentionally teach, but also the behaviours they unknowingly display. Teachers have observed the same pattern in schools, where children repeat the insults and ridicule that have become common in Kenya's political discourse.

"I was shocked to hear words coming from children as young as seven that sounded remarkably similar to those dominating political rallies and television debates," says teacher Josephine Onduso.

Professor Rebecca Wambua, a counsellor and author of parenting guidebooks, says children become mirrors of the society around them.

"The concern is never simply about politics, but about modelling," she says. "If adults normalise contempt, children begin to see contempt as acceptable. If adults solve disagreements by shouting, children conclude that shouting is normal because that is what has become familiar."

Prof Wambua adds that the opposite is equally true.

"Every act of kindness leaves an imprint, every apology becomes a lesson, and every patient conversation teaches emotional safety."

Perhaps that is why the engineer's words resonated so deeply. They echoed what child development experts have said for years: children learn as much from what they observe as from what they are told.

"Parents are a child's first teachers. Before children learn values in school or through books, they are already learning from everyday interactions at home. They watch how adults respond to stress, disappointment, conflict and even success," says psychologist Wainaina Kiganya.

Kiganya says these repeated experiences become a child's reference point for understanding relationships and behaviour.

His observations help explain why two children raised in different homes may respond so differently to similar situations. One learns that disagreements can be resolved respectfully because that is what they consistently see. Another learns that anger is expressed through shouting because that is what has become familiar.

Family therapist Grace Wambui says one of the greatest gifts parents can give their children is allowing them to witness healthy repair after conflict.

"Conflict is normal. What shapes children is how conflict ends. Do parents apologise? Do they forgive? Do they solve problems respectfully? Those moments become the child's blueprint for future relationships," she explains.

Many parents, she says, spend enormous energy correcting their children's behaviour while overlooking the behaviours children are learning from them every day.

For instance, a father who constantly checks his phone during conversations may unknowingly teach distraction, while a mother who criticises herself every time she looks in the mirror may unintentionally teach body shame.

Likewise, parents who gossip freely after church may inadvertently teach their children that kindness ends once people leave the church compound.

"Children always notice. They notice how we treat security guards, how we speak to house helps, how we respond in traffic, how we treat grandparents, how we celebrate, how we love, how we carry disappointment. Even silence teaches," says Wambui.

Research in developmental psychology shows that children imitate behaviour because the brain is wired to learn through observation.

Experts say the first classroom is not school, but home. Perhaps that is why some of the deepest lessons only become apparent in adulthood. We suddenly realise we apologise exactly like our father, discipline like our mother, or fear conflict because we watched it destroy people we loved.

Kiganya says a father who tells his daughter she is beautiful while constantly criticising her mother sends two conflicting messages. Likewise, a parent who lectures about honesty but lies over the phone delivers the louder lesson. A family that prays together but refuses to forgive one another teaches religion without reconciliation.

"Children are always watching. The wonderful news is this: they are also watching us change," says Wambui.

These ordinary moments become extraordinary lessons because children are always observing.

Before correcting your child's behaviour this week, pause and ask yourself one simple question: If my child copied exactly how I handled this situation today, would I be proud of what they learned?

Because the strongest parenting lessons are rarely spoken. They are lived.