Coping with extended family during the holidays

Seeing family over the holidays is not always rosy - it can also be tense and daunting.

From the pressure that may come from the high expectations of our seniors to the chaotic presence of our energy-packed juniors, the festive season requires mental preparation and skilful coping.

Popular memes about the holidays talk about having to contain ourselves while pushed to the limit at the dinner table.

“When will you get married? Did you get a job? You two haven’t given mum grandchildren yet?”

Seemingly harmless questions our extended family may ask - but often invasive and insensitive, depending on how you look at it.

The single person being pressured to settle down may be having a difficult year in romance, and the one job-hunting may have been through enough rejections to not want to re-live.

The young couple may be struggling to conceive- all examples of some of the daunting pressures that different people may face while seeing family.

Our personal space is not the only thing affected, as there is the financial aspect too.

Black tax and high expectations may have us digging deeper in our pockets than ever before, and adequate financial planning over the holidays is another crucial factor to consider.

“Year after year, we might find ourselves in uncomfortable situations rooted in long-standing conflicts, differing beliefs, or continued patterns of behaviour, leading to tension or inevitable holiday fights,” mental wellness website Headspace reports, adding, “While we can’t control how relatives act, we can be mindful of how we react to holiday family drama — and even find a better way to approach this emotionally loaded time of year.”

The report notes that although there is a beautiful side to seeing our relatives and sharing quality time, we may find ourselves feeling overwhelmed and anxious during this time.

“In a busy season that promotes time spent together, gift-giving, and the value of relationships, holiday stress might make us feel lonely, experience financial worries, and even heighten our social anxiety. In one survey, 62 per cent of participants said they experience a ‘very or somewhat elevated’ stress level during the holiday season, with only 10 per cent of participants reporting no holiday stress at all. One common stressor participants had in common? Navigating family dynamics.”

Multiple reports note that a good place to start with coping during the holidays is by practising self-care. Then, we should be patient, kind and empathetic with our extended family members. Finally, it doesn’t hurt to take a break when things get overwhelming.

As for the financial pressures that may come with Christmas, creating a budget and sticking to it, and avoiding unnecessary spending may help, as per the UK Therapy guide.

PRACTISING SELF-CARE

Don’t get caught up with nitpicking anything that could go wrong, instead, retreat when you need to, and take time to reflect and calm down.

If you are sharing a home or holiday destination- get away from everyone when you can, meditate and try to be self-aware.

While noting that calmer minds can lead to calmer environments, Headspace reports: “The reason meditation can be so effective in diffusing situations is because it trains our mind to be less judgmental, more kind, and more understanding. It shows us how to turn hot-headed reactions into considered responses. And it also helps us to be kinder to ourselves, because we learn to recognize and not indulge in the negative self-talk that is so often behind our suffering.”

Clinical Psychologist Dr Claire Nicogossian reports on her website that another way to take care of oneself during this season is by focusing on our physical, emotional and spiritual health.

“When there is so much to do during the holiday season, putting self-care on the to-do list is critical. Making sure to get enough sleep, eat healthy, exercise, spend time with supportive friends and family and have fun engaged in enjoyable activities are all important self-care behaviours,” the report, Coping with family dynamics during the holidays reads in part.

The report adds on how to execute self-awareness: “Be aware of how family and in-law dynamics impact your mood, energy and behaviour. If you get annoyed with Uncle Bob’s political views and unsolicited parenting advice, know that you need to care for yourself. Limit interaction or conversations that could be upsetting or annoying. Likewise, it’s ok to walk away or change the subject versus falling into a battle to change someone’s mind.”

SETTING BOUNDARIES

Setting boundaries is an important aspect of taking care of oneself, and is crucial for one’s mental health and well-being.

During the holidays this becomes even more pertinent, as we may find ourselves having to draw the line to avoid uncomfortable experiences, disagreements and hurtful moments.

“The more you know what your boundaries are, the more it can emotionally protect you from whatever comes your way,” licensed psychologist David Tzall tells Bustle.

The magazine lists several ways to set up boundaries, including getting clear on what you want and what you don’t, being firm with your time, setting limits for conversation and setting up expectations for unsolicited comments. “Before going into these social situations, decide how you want to be treated, what you’re willing to accept (or not accept), and how you want to feel when you’re with the group,” Bustle notes, adding, “To avoid feeling overwhelmed, burnt out, or stretched thin this time of year, decide how much time and energy you’re willing to allot to your family this year.”

Further, if you are in a new relationship and planning to bring your partner home for the holidays, preparation is key.

“Chat through what to expect ahead of time- think dress code, subject matters you don’t want to discuss, your family’s comfort level with PDA.”

 FINANCIAL PLANNING

With some planning, the holidays don’t have to be a financially draining time. You can be proactive and save ahead of time, and during the season, prepare a clear budget and avoid unplanned expenses.

Investopedia notes that sticking to a budget is good for your bank account at any time of the year and controlling your holiday spending is an essential aspect of a healthy financial life.

The website lists tips for this season, including setting spending limits, having a realistic budget and taking advantage of sales and offers.

“As long as you are using cash (not cash advances from credit cards) without spending your rent money, you are doing great,” Investopedia reports.

It adds to that we should consider taking a more creative approach to gift-giving, not succumbing to the pressure of wanting to please everyone.

“Santa has to buy presents for the whole world, but you don’t. If your shopping list includes more than five people outside of your immediate family, start cutting it. Then, bake some cookies to give to all the people you snipped from your original gift list.”